My Temple has FREE Shofar blasting on Rosh Hasanah...just NO FREE Pancakes.

So - I just survived Rosh Hasanah or Rosh Ha-Shanah...


I'm not going to go into detail on what exactly the Holiday is other than to explain that it is the Jewish New Year and is marked as the first 2 days of the Hebrew month Tishri. If you'd like to learn more about Rosh Hasanah please feel free to check out more about it here. 

So- I had high, yet impossible expectations for Rosh Hasanah -
You see, the night before Rosh Hasanah, I dreamed that you got FREE pancakes at services.
I think this has something to do with the fact that prior to going to bed, I saw an advertisement for Ihop.

Anyway - in my dream, you came to services, and they brought you out a plate of 3 light, fluffy buttermilk pancakes. Just like those...

Needless to say - they didn't give out pancakes at services. Nor do I believe that there are ANY plans in the works to serve free pancakes at services...on Rosh Hasanah, or any day for that matter. I would push for it for Yom Kippur but...well...never mind.

Anyway -Let's talk about what they DID have.

the Shofar...

The first time I heard the Shofar was at a service five years ago - and I seriously thought...

OH MY GOD WHAT THE [CENSORED] IS THAT?!?!

I was also confused because the Rabbi kept saying what sounded like..

"TEQUILA!"

I was confused and at the same time...disappointed, alarmed and suffering from temporary hearing loss. (FREE tequila could actually make up for the lack of FREE pancakes).

Not that this was what I was expecting, but it would've been an interesting spin on services....

But after some careful research I have come to learn that it's not TEQUILA but Tekiah...and that the other things she said were - Shevarim, and teru'ah and that they ACTUALLY tell you how many times to blow the shofar.


Honey...
This would be really exciting, except I'm allergic to honey. Which I guess would add an element of danger to the service...


How it went.
So -
I mentioned in my previous post that I volunteered to usher for services. I ultimately was placed at the seat assignment table which was good and bad.
It was good because as a newer member of the congregation, I got to meet about 80% of the congregation.
The bad part was that I met so many people, that I probably only remember about 40% of their names....

This was a really weird experience for me due to the fact that it was simply SO different from what I had grown-up with a child. Being raised catholic, you don't have tickets to come into the church, you don't have an assigned seat, and things that should be "honors" like carrying up the communion offerings, etc. Are done by anyone the usher can find at that moment...

We also don't have security (at least none that I noticed then) at the church. The only police around were there to direct traffic coming out of the parking lot. The best part of going to church was the fact that I found it so witty that they had signs along the yellow curb that read - "THOU SHALT NOT PARK". 

I'll be honest - the amount of security, while I realize necessary was also disconcerting. I've never belonged to a group of people who were openly persecuted. (I would blog more about this, but I think it would get REALLY heavy - I will save this idea, as we get closer to Shoah (the Holocaust memorials).

In the end I spent both days of the Holiday helping people get an assigned seat in the temple.
And it was GREAT. I wish I had been able to sit through more of service (which was tough with my kids) but getting to meet everyone, feeling like I was contributing to the temple, and helping bring our community together made everything worthwhile.

I DID get to listen to the Rabbi's sermon. I will give her a lot of credit. I took public speaking in college, and while I do very well with public speaking, I'm not entirely sure that I could come up with or provide spiritual guidance like that. I honestly believe the only reason that I'm able to write this blog is that fact that I do it WHEN I feel motivated...

The reality is that when you're the Rabbi, you have to be ALWAYS motivated. I don't think people know and/or appreciate how hard that can be. Our Rabbi is a wife - a mother AND a Rabbi. While she may only have one kippa on her head it's still A LOT of kippas to juggle.

It's fitting that her sermon was on - "Is it possible to have it all?"

As a business owner and a mother, I strive myself to have it all. But it's very different. I don't think that my clients spiritual salvation rests on whether or not I planned the correct # of push-ups for a particular workout.
The sermons she gives has the ability to shape opinions, create passion, anger, and spring people to action. It comes with GREAT responsibility - her's is a position that I do not envy.

What I find truly remarkable about Rabbi R is that for a woman wearing so many hats, she seems to balance them well. This is a balancing act that not many people can do - and I give her tremendous credit.

Ultimately her sermons were on Tikkun Olam (healing the world) and bringing Shabbat in our homes.
(I'm not even gonna touch Shabbat, ya'll remember what a fiasco that turned into thanks to a certain other Rabbi and some DELICIOUS cheese bread...)

Tikkun Olam is something I"ve brought up before. What was interesting was that she actually talked about where it comes from...as it DOES NOT appear in the Torah, the Talmud or the Kabalah. She gaves us all the contexts it appears in, and then almost posed the question that is it possible to have it all (linking back to women having it all) but meaning to truly heal the world...(at least this is how I took it...I could be slightly wrong, but the reality is that during most of this part, my kids were freaking out over some plastic elephants they found in the sanctuary toy basket...so we'll pretend cause it's THIS interpretation that sprang me to action).

I'm not sure that we could ever truly heal the world - but I honestly can think of no more beautiful a goal.
As a mother, I worry tremendously about the world that we are leaving our children. I have recently taking to look back on history from when I was approximately their ages...wondering if my mother worried about the same things.

I kind of went on a little Tikkun Olam spree last week -
I was in the city playing in a memorial concert for Jane Taylor (I mentioned her in a previous post) and ordered two slices of pizza while in NYC. On my way to pickup my food, there was a homeless woman collecting money.

Most people look at her and think - She's gonna use the money to buy drugs! She's gonna use the money to buy alcohol!"

I only had a debit card...so I walked by.

But when I got my slices of pizza, and my soda (which were HUGE) I felt a pang of guilt. Here I was -  with more food than I could eat, and more to drink than I could possibly, and she was sitting on the street.

I wrapped up one slice of pizza...asked for a kid cup and poured out enough soda for me to drink. I then took the rest of it and gave it to the homeless woman. She was greatful - and I left knowing she had been fed, and that was enough for me.

The following day, I picked up bagels for my family. While I was walking into the bagel shop, a homeless man was sitting on the curb. He asked me - "Will you buy me some butter toast, and a coffee?"

I told him - "You better tell me how you want the coffee, or it's coming out black."
When I ordered everything, and asked the girl to rush the toast and then ran it outside, she asked me if I had bought it for the man outside. I told her yes - she told me that he can sit out there for DAYS and no one will do anything to help him.

And in that moment I felt as though I hadn't done enough - I went back outside to ask him if he needed anything else...a sandwich for later, a bottle of water. But he had left. I've stopped by the bagel shop for the last week but haven't caught him again...

I remember seeing the movie The Adjustment Bureau. The man helping out Matt Damon (his name is HARRY) talks about the "Chairman" -

Harry Mitchell: No! You've met him though, or her. Everybody has. The Chairman comes in a different form to everyone, so people rarely realize when it happens.
David Norris (aka Matt Damon): Is this...some sort of test?
Harry Mitchell: In a way. It's all a test, for everybody.

I was asked yesterday if I would be interested in volunteering at the inter-faith food pantry. I thought of the woman on the street in NYC, the man in front of the bagel shop in South Orange, and I said yes without hesitation. 


I can honestly say that I have now been tested- whether or not I pass is another matter. But I'd like to think that I'll at least get partial credit. 

I can't help you help the world - the reality is that NO we can't have it all, and we can't do it ALONE. It's everyone working together, that will heal the world. 

My part may be as simple as listening to someone who needs a friend, or buying toast for a homeless man or sorting through bags of food in a pantry for the needy. For all I know, the Chairman has something bigger in mind.

I advise you to just be on the lookout - you never know where the Chairman will turn up. 


I end with wishing you and your family a "Shona tova". May your Shona Kick Tochas.
Shalom.

And I leave you with the sounds of the Shofar
(and a note that you should push your temple to include FREE pancakes next year. I bet it'll increase attendance at services. If not, I'll buy you pancakes)

Schlemiel! Schlemazel! - a JIT's Guide to Jewish Humor (Part I)

I start this post off as a Part I. Don't ask when Part II will be posted...I am going into this with the assumption that this could easily be an ongoing saga....

I promise after the Holidays to post a deeper reflection based on the Holidays and my experiences, but today I feel like I need to be lighthearted.

How this started...

As you can tell by the date, we are getting ready for the High Holidays - which I can't say right and I'm not referring to the words "Rosh Hasanah" or "Yom Kippur" either...I mean I can't say "High Holidays".

What does she mean she can't say "High Holidays"?

Ok - here's how it started....

(THIS IS A TRUE STORY)

A few months ago, my mother called a business to discuss their pricing. The man on the phone
(who had a really thick accent) said - "That's the price on all days, except for the Holy Days".

After she got off the phone - she calls me and says - "What are the Holy Days?"
I told her that there are a lot of Holy Days - which religion?

She said she wasn't sure...so we began to look up Holy Days...
I won't bore you...but there are A LOT of Holy Days around the world.

Finally - I told her to call the guy back and just ask him what Holy Days he meant.

Here is the conversation VERBATIM -
My Mom - "Yes, Hi I called before and you said that the price is the same on all
days, except the HOLY DAYS. Which HOLY DAYS are you referring to?"

The Man with the THICK Accent - "You know, the Holy Days - Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day..."

So - since then, I have continued to pronounce "Holiday" as HOLY DAYS.
I know it's terrible....but in this instance it's ok...cause these literally are the HIGH HOLY DAYS.


Anyway -
I find myself coming upon Rosh Hanasanah!
The Jewish New Year!
I'd like to truly believe that...

We start - with "Shana Tovah". Literally - Happy New Year.
So - I need to start by wishing you and your loved ones...






Ok - So this year I decided that I didn't just want to come by and sit through services. I wanted to become involved, and perform a Mitzvah! So I volunteered to be an usher...
I receive an email with a list of things to do, and procedures...here was the issue.
Some of the stuff I had NO IDEA what it meant, so I emailed the usher coordinator to ask.
Here are my ORIGINAL questions -

1. What are "honors"? 

2. What is a "Gabbaim"?

3. What is a "Morah"?

4. What is appropriate dress for ushers? 

5. Do I have to wear a kippa?

Here is the response I received from my new friend Pete (at least I'd be honored to call Pete my friend!)

You are asking this from someone who was once a member of the Congregation for Humanistic Judaism in Westport, CT. We were just this side of Unitarians. Our building I called ‘Our Lady of B’nai Brith”.

Taking each question as they come:

1.      Honors-Certain members of Beth El, in recognition for their service to the congregation throughout the year, are ask to participate or assist in the service., i.e. open and close the ark, recite an alyah, hold the Torah.

2.      Gabbim-No, it does not mean someone who talks a lot. The gabbim also assist in the service by directing those with honors to go to the bima and help with moving the service along

3.      Morah-When Cantor Fine was at Beth El, his wife was referred to as Morah Micki. It actually means teacher. However, when I am fund raising I would ask those who donate to give morah. You pick the definition.

4.      As an usher, you wear what you would ordinarily wear to synagogue for the high holy days-basically tasteful. A strapless gown would not be appropriate. Jeans would not be appropriate. Beyond that-I ain’t goin near it.\

5.      You do not have to wear a kippa but it would be nice but not mandatory. However, if you are called to the bima, it is best to wear a kippa.

To sum up this irreverent response, you may not be a recipient of honors. However, you are doing a mitzvah by volunteering to be a gabbim or an appropriately dressed usher, with or without a kippa. We could not ask for anything morah.

As part of your being a Jew in training perhaps you should also understand a bit of Yiddish. For example, chutzpa is defined as someone who kills his mother and father and pleads on the court’s mercy as an orphan. A schlemiel is a person who spills coffee. A schlamazel is the person on whom the coffee was spilled.

(btw - I will totally do an upcoming blog dedicated to Yiddish...)

This completely messed with my head...Why?

Cause this is the only Schlemiel & Schlemazel I knew...

So - I wasn't sure what it means. But I know this...they're doing it their way...just like I'm doing it my way. It's something we both have in common with Burger King.

So - I began to look into what Schlemiel & Schlemazel mean...
Here's what I found.



Ok...
So this explination now brings me to these two Schlemazels -




Anyway - so then I became fascinated with Jewish Humor.

Here is a sample of the article I read on myjewishlearning.com about the History of Jewish Humor...

Jews have been seeing the humor in their lives for a very long time. The Bible itself recounts how Sarah laughed when told she'd have a child, and our forefather Isaac is named for that laughter. The Talmud, particularly in theaggadic (narrative) sections, is replete withwitty asides and repartees, and in one famous account, the Talmud speaks of even God laughing. (Consider the theological implications of a God with sense of humor!) During the medieval period, the valuation of humor was institutionalized in Jewish communal customs, perhaps most famously in Purim shpiels, comic plays based on the book of Esther, which continue today in Jewish communities across the globe.But Jewish humor as a distinctive cultural phenomenon first lights up in 19th century Eastern Europe. There, in the marketplace, the synagogue, and in the home, the Jewish joke developed into its own recognizable species. The shtetl (village) became home for the new Jewish-humor folk tradition--stories of the fools inhabiting the town of Chelm but one example. Sustaining and enriching this street humor were new Jewish texts. Jewish writers--including Mendele Mokher Seforim, Sholem Aleichem, and I.L. Peretz, along with playwrights such as Abraham Goldfaden--mined the bittersweet grumbling of the Jewish ethos and produced lasting classics of Jewish humor, which in turn fed the comic banter of Jewish daily exchange.Jewish humor, insists one standard view, is all about coping: Jews were miserable, and laughter kept them going. Jewish psychologists further deconstructed Jewish humor as introjections of this external hostility--in other words, self-mockery. Freud writes, "I do not know whether there are many other instances of a people making fun to such a degree of its own character." Other commentators suggested the Jewish jest is a survival tactic: By altering one's perspective, the Jew can accept the unsympathetic world for what it was. "Want to alleviate your big-time worries? Put on a tighter shoe," advises the Yiddish proverb. 

And I found this incredible. I've always said that I had to laugh at my life - or I'd cry. And here I thought I was original....

I look forward to further study of Jewish Humor...and am looking forward to the High Holy Days....
I know this for a fact!

I forgot!
I think my town has created a limo service just for me -well, really for any JITs or Jews-in-Training

The Maplewood Jitney

(and it stops right in across the street from my house! How's THAT for service?!?)